Or maybe you’re so exhausted you fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow only to find yourself wide awake after just a few hours. You spend the early morning hours wondering if you’ll fall back asleep and how long you have to lie in bed before it’s acceptable to get up and face the day. You’re not alone. Grief is an all-encompassing experience. For example, coping with miscarriage can affect everything from your ability to think clearly to your immune system’s ability to fight off illness. In addition, one of the most common experiences of grief is trouble sleeping. It’s one of the terrible ironies of grief that when your body and mind could use more of the restorative properties of sleep, you can’t get enough. You’re probably already feeling more tired than usual during the day—fatigue is another one of the symptoms of grieving. When you add trouble sleeping at night to that problem, it can feel like you’re never going to be well-rested and alert again.
The Impact of Grief on Sleep
So, what do you do if you can’t sleep? First of all, permit yourself to grieve. It’s a normal, healthy reaction. It is because we love that we feel the pain of loss, which is a noble thing. So, it’s OK that you’re feeling sad and experiencing the mental, psychological, emotional, and physical symptoms of grief. If you’re trying to suppress your feelings of grief or trying to follow other people’s misguided advice to “move on,” you may find those feelings sneaking up on you in the quiet moments before sleep. Letting yourself grieve consciously may be the first step in calming your mind enough to get some rest at night. However, there will be times that acknowledging your grief is not enough to get you the sleep you need. When that happens, there are some strategies you can try.
Practice Good Sleep Hygiene
Sleep hygiene is used to describe behaviors and habits that can help you fall and stay asleep at night. Below are strategies to try before bedtime that can help you get more rest.
Cut Out Caffeine
Although your instinct may be to drink coffee or cola to keep yourself awake during the day, caffeine can interfere with your ability to fall asleep.
Avoid Alcohol
Drinking can also interfere with your ability to sleep. Even though it’s a depressant, alcohol can disrupt your sleep in many ways. It can also make the physical symptoms you’re already experiencing worse in the morning through its dehydrating properties.
Follow a Routine
Going to bed at the same time every night, and getting up at the same time every morning, will help your body get the cues it needs that now is the time for sleep.
Try Quiet Activities
Many of us are guilty of watching TV before bed or even in bed. If that’s your habit, you might try something less noisy and stimulating. For example, reading, or a calming craft like knitting or needlepoint, may help lull your mind.
Be More Active During the Day
A little exercise can go a long way toward making you more physically tired. Exercise also releases endorphins to elevate your mood and may keep the blues at bay. Just be sure you’re done exercising at least four hours before bed.
Get Comfortable
Make sure the room is the right temperature for you. Try a warm shower or bath before climbing in bed. Ask your partner to give you a massage before bedtime.
Try Journaling
Keeping a grief journal can be beneficial for so many reasons. Taking 15 minutes to jot down your thoughts and feelings before bed may help “get it off your chest” and clear your mind before bed.
Use Relaxation Techniques
Even with healthy sleep habits, you may still find yourself staring at a wall once your head hits the pillow. If that happens, the following relaxation techniques may help to bring on sleep.
Breathe Deeply
Simply lying in bed and taking slow, measured breaths can be a wonderful way to clear your mind and relax your body. Try breathing in for a count of five and breathing out for another count of five. Focusing on your breath and repeating those numbers might be all you need.
Use Guided Imagery
Imagining your breath penetrating all the corners of your body or taking a journey in your mind through a calming environment can be relaxing all on its own, not to mention helping you get to sleep. There are guided imagery CDs available for almost everyone’s tastes.
Try Progressive Muscle Relaxation
While lying on your back in a comfortable position, begin with your toes and flex your muscles. Let them relax and move up to the bottoms of your feet. Slowly work your way through all the muscles of your body, tightening them and releasing them until your entire body feels like it’s sinking into the mattress.
Focus Your Mind on a Simple Game
For example, count backward from 1000 or think of a word for each letter of the alphabet that goes with a simple theme, like Colors, Places I’ve Visited, Movies, etc. Engaging your mind with a task that requires attention, memory, and patterning can prevent you from getting into the kinds of thoughts that keep you awake.
Try Sleep Aids
When sleep hygiene and relaxation efforts aren’t enough, home remedies or prescription medications may help. The following are a variety of sleep aids you can try.
Warm Milk
It really works. If you’re not a milk drinker, you may find some of the same soothing effects from a different, non-caffeinated warm beverage like decaf tea or hot water with lemon and honey.
Aromatherapy
Several scents are especially beneficial for sleep. Eucalyptus, lavender, and chamomile are particularly soothing.
Herbal Remedies
Several herbal treatments are used for sleep, such as valerian and melatonin. Always consult with a physician before beginning any herbal supplement, as some interfere with prescription medications.
Prescription Medications
Not sleeping enough can be very detrimental to your health. If none of the tips above help, or if you think your inability to sleep affects your ability to be safe during the day (such as behind the wheel, at your job, or caring for children), talk to a healthcare provider about a short-term prescription for a sleep aid. Many of the newest medications are less habit-forming than older sleeping pills and may get you the rest you need as you work through the worst of your grief.
Getting Back to Sleep
Sometimes getting to sleep is only half the battle. Waking in the middle of the night and getting back to sleep can present an additional frustration. If you wake up in the middle of the night, try the following back-to-sleep strategies.
Reset Yourself
Get up out of bed, and try restarting your bedtime routine. Use the restroom, brush your teeth again, whatever you need to do. Then, finish your routine back in bed and see if you fall asleep.
Don’t Watch the Clock
If you’ve got a clock facing your bed, you’ll only count the minutes as they pass. So turn it away, or get rid of it altogether.
Don’t Pressure Yourself
If you’re not falling asleep, don’t let it stress you out. The adrenaline from worrying will only make sleep even more elusive. Instead, get out of bed, go into another room and try a quiet activity for a while. Don’t even think about sleeping. Instead, think of it as the perfect time to catch up on a favorite TV show or read one more chapter of that novel. You may find yourself getting drowsy as soon as you take the pressure off yourself to fall asleep.
Remember, It’s Only One Day
There will be times you don’t fall asleep. Resign yourself to being exhausted the next day, but remember, you can try tomorrow night again. The good news is, you’ll probably be so tired after not sleeping the night before, it’ll be a lot easier to get some shut-eye tonight.
