Attachment parenting is somewhat of a controversial parenting method. Although psychologists agree that forming a secure attachment is important to children, some parents find this parenting method too child-focused and feel that their own needs as a parent are neglected. Other parents find that this parenting method matches their instincts to want to be intimately attuned to the needs of their children. In a nutshell, attachment parenting focuses on the idea of being closely bonded with your child during the early years, says Bethany Cook, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in neuropsychological assessment. Certain practices are commonly associated with attachment parenting, though you don’t have to practice them all to be an attachment parent. “Keeping the baby close, often in a sling, co-sleeping, and feeding on demand are all practices that fall within the attachment parenting approach,” explains Amanda Gummer, PhD, founder of The Good Play Guide, parenting expert, and child psychologist. The common practice of practicing skin-to-skin with your baby in their early weeks is also a component of attachment parenting, Dr. Gummer adds.
Origins of Attachment Parenting
The term “attachment parenting” was coined by Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician, and his wife, Martha Sears, a registered nurse. They wrote a book together called “The Attachment Parenting Book,” which laid out the premise that babies need loving, secure attachments from their parents to thrive. They believed this could be accomplished by being responsive to a baby’s cries, breastfeeding when possible, babywearing, sleeping close to your baby, and holding them as much as possible. Although the Searses coined the term attachment parenting and popularized it in the early 2000s, their theory is based on the psychological concept of attachment theory, which is the idea that children need to form secure attachments—usually with a parent—in order to grow to be independent, confident, and develop properly. Attachment theory was first set forth by John Bowlby, a British psychologist, and later refined by psychologist Mary Ainsworth.
Qualities of an Attachment Parent
When you think about being attuned to a baby or young child’s needs, you might think, “Sure, I can do that!” But little ones have a whole lot of needs—they eat every few hours, often want to be held very frequently, need to be put to sleep several times a day, want to be entertained, tend to cry and whine often…the list goes on. So being an attachment parent means being constantly “on” and available. As such, besides being a loving, warm and fuzzy parent, being an attachment parenting takes grit. “This approach to parenting isn’t for the weak-minded or those who quit when things get tough,” says Dr. Cook. That doesn’t necessarily mean that feeling able to practice attachment parenting—or not wanting to—makes you weak in some way. It’s just that being an attachment parent can be a lot of work. It also means being willing to sacrifice some of your own needs in those early years in order to meet the needs of your baby. “An attachment parent will be very gentle and often self-sacrificing,” says Dr. Gummer. “Their own needs and wants will go on hold for the early weeks, months, and even years of a child’s life to prioritize being physically and emotionally available to the baby.”
Examples of Attachment Parenting
There are certain practices associated with attachment parenting. These include breastfeeding (often for extended periods), picking up your baby anytime they cry, co-sleeping or bed-sharing with your baby, babywearing, and skin-to-skin time. It’s important to understand, however, that although some of these practices can help you form a close bond with your baby, you don’t have to do all of them to practice attachment parenting. “There are degrees of attachment parenting and people should choose the activities that feel right for them,” Dr. Gummer offers. At the same time, closeness and bonding—however that looks for you—are important when your kids are little, says Dr. Cook. “The first 12 months of life parents are literally creating their babies’ cognitive ‘motherboard’; the more touches and positive responding parents do, the stronger the connections,” she says. Your early interactions with your child lay the foundation for future learning opportunities, relationships, and more, Dr. Cook explains.
Effects of Attachment Parenting
There are plenty of studies showing the positive effects of attachment parenting. For example, although many parents worry that being responsive to their baby’s every need and cry will make babies more needy and dependent in the future, research has found the opposite to be true. Providing a “secure base” allows your baby the confidence to safely explore the world around them, and seek independence when they are ready. However, the AAP does recommend keeping your baby in your room with you for their first 6-12 months, so that you can be responsive to their cries and to their needs. They also explain that you can take your baby into your bed for feeding, but return them to their crib for sleep. Studies have also found that babies raised in an attachment parenting style tend to be more agreeable and conscientious as they get older, as well as less anxious and neurotic. Having a responsive parent generally makes babies less fearful of the world around them, and helps them have a more relaxed general temperament. Finally, some studies have found an association between attachment parenting styles and fewer behavioral problems among children.
Pros and Cons of Attachment Parenting
The pros of attachment parenting are clear: This style of parenting can help your child feel secure and it’s developmentally appropriate for parents to be loving and emotionally connected with their children in the early years. Many parents find this parenting style emotionally satisfying and feel that it matches their parental instincts to interact with their baby this way. Many parents may not have the ability or desire to maintain physical closeness with their babies at all times, which can lead to feelings of guilt. Parents who want more time away from their babies or who want to take on less of a hands-on approach to parenting may feel inadequate or shamed. Then there’s the issue of breastfeeding. Not all parents can breastfeed—either because of a lack of support, medical problems that preclude breastfeeding, or simply because they don’t want to do it. “I hate the idea that parents who can’t or choose not to breastfeed are vilified or made to feel less than,” says Dr. Gummer. Breastfeeding isn’t the only way to bond with your baby, though, and it’s important to keep in mind that you don’t have to breastfeed to be an attachment parent. For some parents, taking a more middle-of-the-road approach to attachment parenting works best. “It is perfectly valid and, I’d say, important to prioritize your relationships with your partner and other family members and take a bigger-picture approach to the best parenting style for you, your baby, and your whole family,’ says Dr. Gummer.
A Word From Verywell Family
Parenting—especially in the early years—can feel like a pressure cooker. You want to make sure that you provide the best start for your little one, and that you do everything right. While practicing attachment parenting is a way to encourage healthy and secure development for your child, it’s not the only way, and it doesn’t have to be “all or nothing” to be effective. As with everything else about parenting, it’s all about finding the approach that works for you as a parent, while balancing the needs of your child.
